January 5, 2013


Every time I enter this room that is not mine in this house that is not mine I feel my heart start pounding faster. For a room that is not my own, it sure is filled with my things. The feeling gets worse when I think of going home in a week. There, by the door, sits the one suitcase that I'm allowed to take. It's already full. After taking a shower at 3pm today (late, I know), I came into my room to change, and suddenly decided to pack again. I opened my suitcase to add more dresses I want to take with me. I've now stopped organizing in order to write because I felt like I was choking. I am so very anxious these days. I have too much stuff. Ever since I read james kicinski-mccoy's blog post in which she talks about her "closet massacre" I've wanted to do the same. My problem is that I remember everything. I remember where I got each item, who got it for me, why I got it, when I got it, what it's for. Some items are more special than others, but in the end I always make an excuse for each item.

The truth is, when I arrive to my room in Paris... my closet will already be full. My drawers will already be full. Where will I put all this stuff that I'm bringing with me? I have things from a long long long time ago. I still fit into clothes and shoes from when I was thirteen since after that I just lost weight anyway. I almost want someone to slap me in the face every time I want something new. There is a pathetic pile of five tank tops I am ready to give away to charity "Here, good will, take my pathetic small pile of clothes. Sorry I'm too selfish to part with anything else at the moment". 

Once I get to Paris, I will spend some time getting rid of things. Not just clothes. Things in my room I don't need. I'm afraid this feeling of drowning will come back... but will it ever actually go away unless I get rid of material possessions? I went to the mall the other day and bought some more things - more things, really!? - yes I know. But I am proud because I only got things I loved. I needed jeans because only recently did I find my true size. Can you believe I have a pair of size seven jeans when in fact I am a size four? I guess those are going too. Next to me right at this moment, are a pair of red Penney's shoes that I bought in Ireland this past summer (see below). They are completely destroyed on the inside but I can't get rid of them. It's not about the money. They're from Penney's – they cost three f-ing euros! It's the feeling when I slip them back on and remember walking back home in the pouring rain of Ireland, thinking this couldn't be more perfect, no matter what shoes I'm wearing.

I'll let you know how the process goes. It'll be a long and painful one, I am sure. Hopefully I will be smarter from now on and only get what I am completely in love with. No more "this dress is only fifteen dollars, let's get it!". Vx
"Simplify, simplify" Henry David Thoreau



chelsea said...

I just looked at my closet yesterday and thought the same thing. I managed to fill a paper bag with clothes I don't want but I know it's not enough. Too many memories are clouding my's a hard dilemma but one that needs to remedied! Simplify simplify...this may hurt...

birdsandoxfords said...

i know what you mean, everything have has a memory behind it, and its hard to let it go... your not alone :)
-deana, from birdsandoxfords

Ruby said...

I just found your blog through a comment you left over at Bleubid blog, I was intrigued as I homeschool my boys who are now 14 & 15 and I have been worrying about the future with them being homeschooled, anyway Im waffling on, I too have the same issue with clothes, even ones with holes/stains on, I make little fabric flowers and sew them over the top instead of throwing them out! Its something thats so hard to do, its like parting with a bit of your life. x

vanessa said...

I feel the same way! Since I've been away at school I feel like I have two rooms full of stuff and there's so much of it that I don't need but it's too hard to part with it. Have you read White Oleander? There's a line towards the end of the novel that I'm going to butcher in the paraphrasing, but it's something like "You want to remember, so just remember." I think about that a lot when I need to get rid of things that are loaded with sentimental value, that I can journal about it or catalog my memories in other ways so that I don't have to literally carry the objects with me. Of course, some things are worth the extra weight. :]

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