December 31, 2013


So how has it been going?

I was doing so well in September and then... things got a little out of hand. I didn't have the same self control anymore and it really bothered me. Every week, the number on the scale went up just a little bit. Now I'm back to where I was at the end of July, I would say. I haven't weighed myself in a while, I really hate to see all that hard work go to waste.

What do I regret? Nothing. Just kidding, I regret a lot. I regret that time I ordered chinese food to my dorm and ate so much I almost couldn't move. I regret all the candy and gum that made me feel bloated. I regret eating in front of the f**king TV almost every night. I regret all the late night snacking. I regret buying all the bad food in the first place: if it's there, right in front of my face, I'm obviously going to eat it. I regret not going to the gym as much as I did in September. I regret always filling up my tupperwear with dining hall food "just in case" dinner wasn't enough, putting it in my fridge and usually finishing it. I regret always giving into temptation and grabbing a cookie on the way out. F**k.

I say this after a crazy night in with Kady, eating too many crêpes with Nutella (and once the jar was empty, maple syrup), drinking countless cocktails - mango daiquiris, margaritas, screwdrivers, and some shots of tequila... at least we danced a little (but not enough to burn off the calories). We both woke up at 5 this morning – we were suffocating in a room that was too hot. It's 8AM now, I hope she's fallen back asleep, poor thing. I was laying in bed, and when I put my hands on my stomach, I immediately got up, put my sneakers on and went for a run. It was strange being up early enough to see the guys at the market setting up their food stands, early enough that the bakeries were all closed. It felt good. It felt strange, sadly. My muscles haven't enjoyed the pain of working out in too long.

My biggest mistake while I was at Smith was buying food. Now, I don't regret going to Haymarket with Aaron or Thai Garden with Zehra, or getting lattes while I blog or study or read. I don't even regret the amazing éclair Aaron was so sweet to get me (that you saw here). Those times are always good for the soul. But buying food at the store was a mistake. I would get "the yummy stuff": yogurt covered pretzels, dried mango, banana chips, pumpkin granola, chocolate candy bars... things I honestly thought I could just have in my room and occasionally eat as a nice treat. Thing is, I can't do that. I can't just have one.  Next semester, that is over. I will have four things in my room: tea, coffee, energy bars and dark chocolate. I've never snacked on an energy bar – THAT, I've got enough self control not to do. Those are good if I don't have time for lunch.

In the past three months, I've been the skinniest I've ever been. My mom isn't too happy about it, praying for my soul, and telling me to see a nutritionist. That's not fun to deal with; you really don't want people worrying about you. The truth is I liked myself at my thinnest. I had just started ballet and felt as light as a feather. I could work out longer, and my body was full of energy, and my mind was so clear. I was eating only when my body wanted food. I never felt too full or too tired. It was a different mindset. A minimalist one, really. It was wonderful. THAT is what I want again. And to me, that is completely healthy.

I definitely believe I can get back to where I was at the beginning of September. I will get my self control back, and start working out again. Most importantly, I will listen to my body (right now it wants coffee). I try not to see the weight gain (minimal really, I shouldn't make such a big deal about it) as a failure, just a new beginning. That's the beauty in life, isn't it? You can screw up, and every morning you can start over and do it right. Just don't leave it to tomorrow. Do it now, eh. Vx


Anonymous said...

Hey Valentina! Firstly I want to say that I really love your blog and your humor.your positive and your optimism cheer me up lots of times when and it is important to me to say to u these things. I think your mom was right when she worried you. You may love how that looks but you looked a bit unhealthy. From painful experience I'm dealing with till those days I want to give you a wake-up call and tell you that it sound a bit eating disorder mindset. Aim to be healthy and happy, aim to dance to run to move your body and enjoy it. Aim to love your body and yourself regardless and without preconditions! And then the weight will take care of itself and will balance itself so you could function at your best. You're very beautiful! But know you should be proud of yourself without any connection! Hope you read this and "take things note". All the best and have a happy new year!

Hugs&Wishes said...

Your blog is darling! Take a look at my blog I follow back!

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